THE MOON

The moon shines bright outside my window

It dances on the ocean

And comes increasingly into view with every passing moment

It does not hide

It is not shy

It walks out bold unashamed

As though daring the world to find fault in its apparent perfection

I want to be like that moon

I want to walk with my head held high

Not in pride but with certitude

Certitude that to the best of my ability

I have lived as I should

I have loved as I should

And knowing that when it was hardest

I walked away when it was the only right thing to do

I want to; I know I can

But I keep telling myself I have tried

Deceiving myself into believing trying and doing are somehow on the same plane

But I live in fear of being found out

I sit and wait knowing I’ll soon be caught out

I come alive in the shadows

All the while knowing I am truly dead

We exist only in hiding

Yet still pretending our souls are being fed

I want what I do behind closed doors not to fear the light of day

I want to live right on purpose

No matter how hard that makes my day

I want the me you see to really be me

I want to shine bright

Walk bold

Unashamed

Just like that moon.

©2009 TolulolaAgbelusi

MY COUNTRY

It was never hard to see your charm and the beauty innate within you

It was sun kissed people of all ages, hue and size beaming life and boasting culture

It was big fat women dancing bare feet moving buttocks at the speed of light

It was big outdoor parties where the women cooked and laughed for hours and my mother always told me it was the sweat dripping into the pounded yam that made it taste better

It was days spent on beaches watching Atlantic waves big enough to carry me away

It was swimming in warm springs where hot met cold and the beauty of life was there but inexplicable

It was boarding school days with Yoruba, Hausa and Ibo laughing at our similarities and shaking heads at our differences

It was time spent with family when there was always family and there was always time

It was never hard for my young mind to see your charm and what I didn’t see they taught me

They taught me of oil wells running deep in the Niger Delta

 Enough so we would not have to beg borrow or steal

They taught me of gas reserves, of coal, lead, limestone, tin and gold

They taught me of mining possibilities that could eradicate poverties atrocities

They taught me about fertile lands and how we were once the world’s largest exporter of groundnuts, coconuts, cocoa, palm oil, yams, citrus, and sugar cane

They taught me of a country with over 250 ethnic groups, 4000 dialects and at least 520 living languages, now isn’t that wealth

They taught me of a tropical paradise with rain forests, savannah grasslands, mangrove swamps, waterfalls, rivers, beaches, rocks and wonders that would make an atheist thank/see God

They taught me of a nation rich with people, customs, endless natural resources

And hearts like the sun which keep shining even when monsoon rains fall

If I knew nothing else I knew we were blessed

So how is it

That these days I only see your beauty as one looking through rose tinted glasses

What we exported we import

What we have in abundance we lack

After so many rulers whose only leadership qualities entailed

Leading us to the mouth of the abyss

where we now hang tilting dangerously

Threatening to fall and never return

I can’t see you

What was, has now been looted by corruption, greed and mismanagement

Using your sons and daughters as foot soldiers

Where they should have built they have broken down everything but their castles

Flourishing in stolen prosperity mansions

Enjoying the sight of their brothers begging for crumbs

They handed in their souls for states

And stakes in the stock market

Trading blood for oil

Our futures for private jets

Our education for material wealth stored in hard to reach places

And having debased us

They exchanged

Food for subservience

Money for votes

Jobs for silence

And morals for status

So these days when I picture you, I see you clearly but teary eyed

Emaciated from all those who constantly take and give nothing back

Violated by your own children coming to power just to rape you

And then mutilate you enough so they still get to leave with a little piece of you

I think of you

I’m picturing fish filled waters now emptied from oil spills too many too count

And unjust executions of the Ken Saro Wiwa’s and  the Dele Giwa’s who made their voices count

I think of you

And extra judicial killings come to mind

Like the Odi Massacre in 1999

A whole town burnt to the ground

With 2500 civilians losing their lives

At the hands of police

Doing everything but protect or serve

I think of the absence of accountability

And I think of greed

And a people crippled by poverty

Allowing themselves to be used by those who pretend to have their best interests at heart

Whilst simply inflicting terror

In the name of God

In the name of ethnicity

In the name of justice

Justice

Where is justice

When we fail to prosecute those who have sucked the nation dry

Of its hope, its promise its bank accounts

Where is justice

When Boko Haram bombs persistently and the government does nothing?

Where is justice

When the majority live on a dollar a day

And the presidential food budget for a year is one billion naira

Where is justice

When instead of fixing roads, the president’s priority is naming a district after himself

Where is justice when clearly our lives have no value unless they can be bartered like currency?

My country

Land of my birth

I think of you

And water falls from my eyes like waterfalls in Cross River State

But these don’t fall pretty

Struggling to see through the tears

I lift my rose tinted glasses

Trying to spot hope on the horizon

Hoping to see people possessed with that Gani Fawehinmi spirit

That stood uncompromisingly for justice

And undiluted democracy

Instead of just fools demonstrating crazy

Occasionally I see hope

I see her jump

Like January 2012 mass protests

When the people said you may kill me

But I will not be silenced

I keep watching

I watch in hope

And I hope in time

Corruption will be ostracised

Potential will be realised

And my country will again awaken to all its beauty that lies within.

©2012 TolulolaAgbelusi 

OUR GENERATION

Is this the future?

Age 13 –convicted of Robbery he said

We used to be friends

Then his girl became my girl

And he started acting funny

Called me a prick

I didn’t get why he was so angry

But I know no one disrespects me

So to pay him back, I decided, I’ll rob him.

I can still see the milk in this boy’s face

As he recounted exploits that made my head race

I remember the look on his mother‘s face

When speaking of his victim, he said he shouldn’t get upset over a gyal, there are bare girls everywhere,

I can have whoever I want; it’s JUST a girl innit

Flanked by his mother on one side and his sister on the other

This little boy convinced of his manhood

Could not fathom the disrespect in treating their femininity as a commodity

He demanded respect in the same breath as he abused it

Failing to see that his concept of it was a falsehood

And BESIDES, to properly arrive at manhood

You had to allow room for childhood

But can I blame him,

When clearly someone reneged on fatherhood

Is this our future?

Age 14 – convicted of Assault

He called me an Irish ginger cunt

And I can’t take kindly to insults or people disrespecting me

So I set him on fire

No I don’t find that dire

I have no problems with anger

It provoked much laughter

He got what he deserved

Messing with a gangster

I was meant to ask probing questions

Speak words of wisdom

Provoke targeted self searching

But momentarily dumbfounded and sitting silently I wondered

When did a good punch up become outdated?

Setting someone alight or stabbing them up become highly rated

And any opportunity for common sense become frustrated

By egos too big for the bodies that they weigh down

Maybe it’s the age creeping up on me

Or maybe it just is what it is

But when I consider the exploits of this generation

Wonder dumbfounds me into hopelessness

As I ponder what aspect of apparent stupidity

Beguiles with such intensity

That they are converted to a religion

That promises only jail or death.

I ponder with every passing breath

Till Perspective breaks into my thoughts to remind me

This is the plague of humanity

Always in pursuit of an exaggerated sense of importance

We chase celebrity

Trying to be or be with the mighty

The young come in tow with errant individuality

Acting tough but betraying delicate sensitivity

Watching and copying as we devoid respect of its mutuality

Chasing misplaced goals with myopic intensity

Seeking contentment through the lenses of a world that never has enough

We make a mockery of our freedom

As though calling God’s bluff

So is it really a surprise

This proclivity for criminality

When looking all around

Our standards denote nothing but futility

If this is not to be our future

Then there must be a re-education

That takes foundation in you and me

Spreading its roots till it gains proliferation

In the youth of our generation

Infecting humanity with the disease of true liberation

So that understanding our equality

We strive for true community

so looking at the next generation

There won’t be a question

It will be just be statement

Affirmed with pride

As we say:  THIS IS OUR FUTURE

©Tolulola Agbelusi 2012

Open Letter to an EX

 Open letter to an ex

I hate you and I love you

He read those words in my motions

Without my lips ever parting a slit

I hate you

And I love you

Words epitomising the paradox we became

Baby, friend, stranger, foe

However you come to me; just come

Please,

Can we talk?

I am sorry for the first time I made you feel like a blemish I would always regret

I thought I meant it

But maybe I shouldn’t have said it

I am sorry for every time I did it again

I guess I just didn’t know what regret meant

And all I felt was resentment

That you approached me unavailable

And my available fickle heart found you heaven sent

Like a moonless night sky glimmers in the reflection of freshly fallen snow

Life became so much brighter when you became the weather

It wasn’t cliché like you complete me

But your wholeness complementing mine

We came together

And for the most part became better reflections of each other

Basking in the pastures of true mutual admiration

My shoulders stood taller

And I wanted to be better

As though striving to be worthy of such affection

That saw through me and still loved me

That frustrated me and yet ignited me

That brought clarity and somehow still confounded me

Somehow I loved the things I hated about you

And I hated that

But even more than that

I hated every single time that you expected me to understand the illogical

Every single time you withheld basic information – it made me feel I was disposable

Every time you acted like you couldn’t understand why your context was a problem I couldn’t handle

I hated that

And I thought regret was my only way to resile from that

But I was wrong

I can’t regret you

The hating days went by like a British summer

But the sweet memories stayed

They still linger

Like the tears that dripped down my face just at the touch of your hands on mine

During our first post us encounter

Your impact on my heart was one of power

Your lips to mine were like perfect
Your intellect to mine was like parallel

Our chemistry in my history remains matchless

And though you were not the one

You did show me what love is

And thus gave me the road map to find who he is

So how can I regret you?

I was just ashamed of my weakness

Baby, friend, stranger, foe

However you come

Please listen

I am sorry

I’m sorry for the times I made you feel like a blemish I would always regret

I didn’t mean it

And it’s your love I will never forget

©2012 TolulolaAgbelusi

YOUR LOVE

I could never really accept love in your words

They were always too shallow, too restrained, too confusing

But somehow

In the palm of your hands

 Mine found strength

In your tears

 I found sincerity words wouldn’t capture

In your embrace

Dessert land became home

And rolling on the floor like kids in laughter,

Rest found me

And my heart no longer could deny you.

©2012 TolulolaAgbelusi