JOURNEY TO WHO I AM

Next time

Next time someone asks me who I am

I’ll tell them

I’ll tell them that

I’m - an amazing God like specimen painstakingly crafted in his image

And I’ll mean every single word of it

For far too long all I felt was invisible

I didn’t like my self

Could ‘nt recognise my self

So every time I stepped out confidence was lacking

And questions were abounding

Looking around just made me wonder

Why my face wasn’t spotless

Why I wasn’t taller

Why my boobs dint grow quicker

Why my hips weren’t wider

My waist not smaller

My teeth not whiter

My stomach not flatter

My grades not higher

My swag not flyer

This could go on forever

Basically the world made me wonder

And every time I stepped out confidence was lacking

And questions were abounding

I (just) wanted to be invisible

With teen age years came the cross continental migration

And that didn’t help matters

This new culture was such a frustration

My peers – I couldn’t understand a fraction

With so much opportunity

Their dreams still somehow never achieved conception

Morals were missing in action

Fun was identifiable by a chain of regrettable actions

They existed to be the centre of attraction

I was only ever to them the side distraction

My name - they mangled beyond recognition

My accent - they ripped to shreds with no contrition

My feelings they crushed with no emotion

I couldn’t find myself in all of their commotion

I felt invisible  

Wanted reality to match my emotion

Felt invisible craved a confidence that only comes with true self definition

So I set out to find myself

At first, I moulded myself into the image of their perfection

And when they said I was beautiful, I was

I lived for those moments when showering me with compliments; I saw glimmers of that confidence that person who I so badly craved to be

I didn’t know who I was but I sold whatever that was at a high price

Just so I could hear someone say you are beautiful or proclaim some other self affirming accolade

Choosing to forget that when he said I was beautiful he wasn’t giving me an upgrade

He simply acknowledged what God made,

I became almost all their expectations

Only to find that the new me - wasn’t matching my expectations

I didn’t know who I was

But I had to be - I was I had to be worth more than that

With that realisation I took my first step on the road to who I am

Saw a sign defining bondage as allowing MY self worth to be determined by others’ subjective limitations

So I looked for a standard that wasn’t subject to permutations

 Salvation freed me from self imposed incarceration

My self worth can only be defined by the Creator not his creations

And opening to psalm 139, I found my true definition

It wasn’t linked to my profession

Or my current situation

It didn’t fluctuate with emotion

In fact it made me rise out of depression

I opened psalm 139 and saw my true definition

I AM FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE

And with that discovery history was made

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

So if you don’t behold mine it doesn’t dismantle what God made

My confidence has totally been remade

And my value it’s not manmade

I know who I am so I can embrace what I am

5 foot 4 of intelligent, beautiful awkward awesomeness who is fearfully and wonderfully made

On those days when I wake up daring to forget what God has made

When the confidence of yesterday seems mislaid

I react with purpose until my misgivings are allayed

Repeating to myself in the mirror of life

I am not invisible, I am not worthless

I AM 5 FOOT 4 OF INTELLIGENT, BEAUTIFUL AWKWARD AWESOMENESS

I AM WIERDLY, WONDERFULLY, FEARFULLY AND AWESOMELY MADE

AND I DARE YOU TO PROVE DIFFERENT.

Cus this is who I am.

AN AMAZING GOD LIKE SPECIMEN PAINSTAKINGLY CRAFTED IN HIS IMAGE

This is who I am

©Tolu Agbelusi   26.01.2012